**Summary of Key Insights from Sara Nasserzadeh’s “Love by Design” on Lasting Relationships**
In her latest book, “Love by Design,” social psychologist Sara Nasserzadeh delves into the essential ingredients that allow romantic relationships to not just survive, but truly thrive. Drawing on research and her professional experience, Nasserzadeh outlines six core qualities that couples need to cultivate. Among these, respect emerges as a particularly fundamental pillar—so crucial, in fact, that its absence can signal deep trouble for a couple’s future.
### The Six Essential Ingredients
Nasserzadeh identifies six key ingredients necessary for a healthy, enduring romantic partnership. These include compassion, trust, a shared vision for the future, and of course, respect. According to her, these elements are not optional; they form the very foundation upon which relationships are built. Without them, the relationship might not even survive—let alone reach a place where both partners are genuinely fulfilled.
### The Role of Respect
Of all the qualities she discusses, Nasserzadeh singles out respect as a cornerstone. Respect, she argues, is fundamental because it shapes how partners behave toward each other in both small and significant ways. It is the bedrock on which interactions, both positive and negative, are based.
When respect is present, partners are more likely to honor each other’s feelings, needs, and identities. They listen, value one another’s perspectives, and treat each other as equals. Conversely, a lack of respect is a red flag that can undermine the entire relationship. Without respect, Nasserzadeh warns, the self-esteem and sense of self of the disrespected partner can be deeply damaged over time.
### How Disrespect Manifests
Disrespect in relationships isn’t always obvious or dramatic. Sometimes, it emerges in subtle, everyday interactions. For instance, one partner might start eating as soon as their meal arrives at a restaurant, without waiting for the other. Or, while out walking, one partner consistently walks several paces ahead, not matching the other’s pace or making an effort to stay together. These seemingly minor actions can add up, signaling a lack of attentiveness and care.
On a larger scale, disrespect can manifest as a disregard for a partner’s priorities and commitments. For example, if one person has promised to attend an important event or be present at a key moment but fails to show up, it demonstrates a lack of consideration for what matters to their partner. Over time, this pattern of behavior communicates that the partner’s needs and values are not important.
Disrespect can also take the form of undermining a partner’s identity. If one partner identifies strongly with a particular gender, social class, culture, or other group, and the other dismisses or belittles those aspects, it erodes their sense of self. Such actions show a lack of recognition and acceptance, which are vital for a healthy relationship.
### Addressing Disrespect
If you notice signs of disrespect in your relationship, Nasserzadeh advises having an open, honest conversation with your partner. She suggests approaching the issue not as an accusation, but as an observation: “Hey, I observed these things—where is it coming from?” This approach invites dialogue rather than defensiveness and opens the door for understanding and potential change.
Sometimes, the partner may be unaware of their behavior or its impact, and a discussion can lead to greater awareness and positive shifts. In other cases, however, the person may be unwilling or unable to change. It’s important, Nasserzadeh notes, to recognize the difference and decide for yourself what you need in a relationship.
### The Deeper Meaning of Relationships
At the heart of Nasserzadeh’s research is the idea that people enter relationships seeking to be truly seen and understood. We hope our partners will accept us for who we are, cherish our unique qualities, and support our growth. When a relationship fails to provide this sense of being valued and recognized, it can feel deeply unsatisfying.
Nasserzadeh emphasizes that it’s up to each individual to determine whether their relationship is meeting these needs. If you consistently feel unseen, unheard, or disrespected, it may be time to reflect on whether the relationship is worth continuing. A healthy partnership should be a source of mutual respect, understanding, and support.
### Practical Advice for Couples
Building and maintaining respect in a relationship